What is Grief ?
Grief is the internal part of loss,
how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey. It
does not end on a certain day or date. It is as individual as each of
us. Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own
imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain
of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply
connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the
connection that has been lost.
What is Anticipatory Grief ?
Anticipatory grief is the “beginning
of the end” in our minds. We now operate in two worlds; the safe world
that we are used to and the unsafe world where a loved one might die.
We feel that sadness and the unconscious need to prepare our psyche.
Anticipatory grief is generally more
silent than grief after a loss. We are often not as verbal. It’s a
grief we keep to ourselves. We want little active intervention. There
is little or no needs for words, it is much more of a feeling that can
be comforted by the touch of a hand or silently sitting together.
Most of the time in grief we are focused on the loss in the past, but
in anticipatory grief we occupy ourselves with the loss ahead.
When a loved one has to undergo preparatory grief in
order to prepare for the final separation from this world, we have to
go through it too. We may not realize it at the time. It may be a
strange feeling in the pit of the stomach or an ache in the heart
before the loved one dies. We think of the five stages of death
occurring for the dying person, but many times loved ones go through
them ahead of the death also. This is especially true in long drawn
out illnesses. Even if you go through any or all of the five stages
ahead of the death, you will still go through them again after the
loss. Anticipatory grief has its own process; it takes its own time.
Forewarned is not always forearmed. Experiencing
anticipatory grief may or may not make the grieving process easier or
shorten it. It may bring only feelings of guilt that we were grieving
before the loss actually occurred. We may experience all fives stages
of loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) before
the actual death. We may experience only anger and denial. Not
everyone experiences anticipatory grief and if they do, certainly not
in the same way.
Why Not Just Avoid Grief ?
We think we want to
avoid the grief, but really it is the pain of the loss we want to
avoid. Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort
in our pain.
What is the Difference
Between Grief and Mourning ?
Mourning is the
external part of loss. It is the actions we take, the rituals and the
customs. Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The
internal work of grief is a process, a journey.
When Does Grief End ?
Grief is not just a series of events,
or stages or timelines. Our Society places enormous pressure on us to
get over loss, to get through the grief. But how long do you grieve
for a husband of fifty years? A teenager killed in a car accident? A
four-year-old child? A year? Five years? Forever? The loss happens in
time, in fact in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.
What are the Five Stages and
Do They Always Occur in the Same Order ?
The five stages, denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that
makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to
help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not
stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all
of them or in a prescribed order. The stages have evolved since their
introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three
decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat
packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there
is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our
grief is as individual as our lives.
What is Denial ?
This first stage of grieving helps us
to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and
overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and
denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why
we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day.
Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial
helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It
is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
These feelings are important; they are
the psyche’s protective mechanisms. Letting in all the feelings
associated with loss at once would be overwhelming emotionally. We
can’t believe what has happened because we actually can’t
believe what has happened. To fully believe at this stage would be too
much.
Does "Denial" Mean They
Don’t Know the
Person has Died ?
Denial in grief has been
misinterpreted over the years. When the stage of denial was first
introduced in “On Death and Dying,” it focused on the person who was
dying. In this book, “On Grief and Grieving,” the person who may be
in denial is grieving the loss of a loved one. For a person who is
dying, denial may look like disbelief. They may be going about life
and actually denying that a terminal illness exists. For a person who
has lost a loved one, however, the denial is more symbolic than
literal. This does not mean that you literally don’t know your loved
one has died. It means you come home and you can’t believe than your
wife isn’t going to walk in the door at any minute or that your
husband is just away on a business trip. You simply can’t fathom that
he will never walk through that door again.
Do Children Experience Grief
?
Yes, if children are old enough to
love, they are old enough to grieve. Many times in our society
children are the forgotten grievers. For instance, when a parent
dies, whom do we expect to help the child with their grief? The
surviving parent. That parent not only has their own grief to deal
with but they are learning for the first time how to be a single
parent. They, like their child, can use support in their grieving.
Children don’t grieve the way we do. They don’t openly talk about how
they are feeling. A death in their life usually causes them to feel
even more different than usual. Kids feel different enough – a death
causes them to feel even more different and isolated. Bereavement
groups are extremely helpful for children since they are with other
children who have experienced a loss also.
How Long Will Grief Last?
Do
I Ever Get Over the Loss of a Loved-One ?
Grief is the healing process that
helps us deal with the loss of a loved-one. Grief does not have a
clear beginning or clear end to it. Rather, it is a reflection of
feelings surrounding the loss. Grief will ebb and flow throughout our
life after a loss. We don’t get over the loss of someone, but we
learn to live with that loss. We also will eventually remember and
honor our loved one without feeling pain. We will grieve as long as
we need to.
I Have a Friend in Grief:
How Can I Help ?
One of the mistakes we make is asking
people in deep grief how we can help them. They are often too lost in
their own sorrow to identify needs. It’s OK to ask; but just know you
can step in and help. For instance, if it’s after the funeral at a
reception and the trash needs to be taken out – don’t ask, just help.
In the old days we would gather around the loved one and just do
things for them. Bring over some food so that they don’t have cook
but can still eat well. You probably know their life - offer to pick
up the kids, help them with their yard, offer to take them on
errands. See the ten ways.
Are Bereavement Support
Groups Helpful ?
How Can I find One Near Me ?
Bereavement support groups are very
helpful. Many times when you are in the middle of your grief, you may
feel that the world has moved on. Support groups provide you with a
safe place to talk about your loss and experience your feelings with
others who are also experiencing similar feelings. You can find a
local bereavement group that is facilitated by your local hospital,
hospice, counseling center and/or place of worship. You can also
search by zip code by clicking here:
A Well-Known Person has Died
and I Feel Sad.
Why Do I Feel This Way ?
Many times when a well-known person
dies, we collectively feel it as a society. You may have not known
them personally; however, you may have grown up with them as your
President or saw their face every week on TV, or just experienced them
as always being part of your world. And when your world experiences a
loss you experience a loss. Sometimes people are surprised at the
sadness because of the intensity of the sadness they feel. It becomes
multiplied when all those around you are feeling sad as well. Even if
you didn’t know the person, honor that grief. Take time to watch
their funeral on TV. Talk to friends and family about them. Light a
candle in their honor. You may have not known them; but the loss can
still feel personal to you.
Should a Child Go to a
Funeral?
If So, How Do I Prepare Them ?
Many people feel that children should
not be allowed at funerals, either because the children will be upset
or they’ll be distracting. When deciding whether or not your child
should attend, treat a funeral just as you would a wedding, graduation
or any other formal event. If you’re going to be busy at the ceremony
and can’t attend to your child, then have someone else you and your
child trust mind him or her. I’ve found, however, that children
generally behave quite well at funerals if they’re given three
things: Prior preparation. Tell them what’s going to happen,
where they’ll be sitting, for how long, and that people may be crying.
If the child wants to go, he should be allowed to. If the child says
he doesn’t want to go, his choice should be honored. If he’s old
enough to understand, explain that this will be a good chance to say
good-bye to the deceased. Support. Make sure the child has
someone to comfort her if she is upset or grieving. If you’re going to
be busy during the funeral, or if you’re grieving too much to help
your child, find someone who can help. Follow-up after the
funeral. Talk about what has happened, what it meant and what
they thought of it. Help your children put the loss and the ceremony
in proper perspective.
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